Shanghaiist woke up to this piece of disturbing news, courtesy of Shanghai Daily, and we nearly crapped our pants.

China will ban the burning of paper villas, condoms and mistresses as sacrificial articles to curb the "vulgar" practice in future, a newspaper reported yesterday.

“Vulgar”? We can think of a few other choice words to describe burning a woman alive as “sacrificial articles”. And why is China just now getting around to banning such grotesque practice? Not until we read another article on the same subject, sent in by our friends at Torontoist, did we realize the aforementioned mistresses were paper models. Whew.

For centuries, Chinese mourners have burned paper money at funerals in hopes that deceased loved ones wouldn’t be strapped for cash in after life. Well, that was then, welcome to the 21st century, where apparently even the underworld has taken a more hedonistic turn. First there were paper sedans, paper villas and paper golf courses set ablaze for papa Chen’s posthumous pleasure and comfort. But then, as any dutiful son would wonder, “What if pops gets a bit lonely in his mansion after a round of 18 on 'Hades’ Beach'?" Worry not. Funeral services now sell full size paper "honeyz" to go with the fully loaded S65 AMG. And, should daddy be a little out of shape and “not in the game”, paper Viagra is also available for your sacrificial pleasure … for a price of course. So much for rigor mortis. If you are still trying to keep an open mind about all of these, as we are, this one last item is sure to be that proverbial straw: Condoms -- paper condom -- so that your departed male relatives wouldn’t have to pay for their sexual indiscretions after hooking up with … a paper doll. WTF indeed!

Just to be sure, we wanted a local person’s take on this story. The response was, “Well if they burn a paper mistress of course the dead ones need condoms right?” We think she was joking.

In related news, starting this week, all funerals would have to comply with the newly issued Funeral and Internment Regulations. Person(s) offering vulgar materials could face stiff fines. A moment of silence for lost good times -- being dead just won’t be the same anymore.